Timderella

Alternate versions of classic fairy tales

It must be the way my brain is wired. I’ve always been able to see something in process and immediately go to the end point, or multiple possible end points. In other words, I’m an accidental master at predicting possible consequences. Maybe this explains my lack of interest in doing things like hang gliding or bungie-jumping. And why the need for speed or other cheap thrills not only seem like a waste of time, they’re stupid and dangerous. If something can possibly leave a mark, I can already see the mark.

Maybe this explains my perennial lack of patience with fairy tales. Even as a I kid, they bugged me. I could never understand how the bad guys were able to hoodwink the poor kids, sometimes harming or even killing them. And then they got away with everything. What the hell is that? To that point, I remember reading the story of Hansel and Gretel and getting stitched up about how the witch stuffed the kids in the oven and then ate them. And with Cinderella, how the evil stepmother and two stepsisters mistreated her. That one really riled me.

Don’t get me wrong. Even back then I knew full well the point of fairy tales. How the authors wanted to scare kids in real life so they would straighten up and fly right. Or at least behave and develop some social mores and manners.

At some point though, I’d had enough of the innate injustice of fairy tales and decided to start reworking them more to my liking. But I didn’t tell anyone. My family already thought my imagination was overdeveloped. Instead, I kept the revised fairy tales to myself—but kept reworking them.

Sometimes the revisions were simple, other times more complex. Take Sleeping Beauty, for example. My most recent version of the fable has the handsome but dimwitted prince snapping to the fact that Maleficent is actually fetching in an Elvira-Halloween sort of way. At the end, when the big confrontation is supposed to take place, he lays down his enchanted sword causing Flora, Fauna, and Merryweather (the three good fairies) to go berserk, their champion suddenly abandoning his quest. Then Maleficent doesn’t turn herself into a dragon and devour the prince, but makes him her cabana boy. Meanwhile, the enchanted castle remains surrounded by a forest of thorns, Aurora is still asleep in the highest room in the tallest tower, and the two kingdoms stay in the land of Wynken and Blynken. That is, until Maleficent and the prince decide to tie the knot. Then everyone is awakened and invited to the big shindig. Massive outrage ensues until Aurora points out that she never loved the prince. In fact, she thinks he’s an impossible dullard. Maleficent can have him. In lieu of marrying a prince (or anyone), Aurora moves back to the cozy cabin deep in the forest, but not before getting her own cabana boy. And they all live happily ever after.

I think you get the drift. Here are a few more of my versions of the classics.

Hansel and Gretel

In my rewrite the kids still get lost in the forest, trail of bread crumbs and all. They come upon the gingerbread house and take a few nibbles. The old witch appears and invites them inside. But before she can lay down any enchantment, there’s a knock at the door. It’s the kids’ dad. He’s been looking for them. He takes one look at the old crone and recognizes her from a poster in the local post office. Before she can utter any epithets, he tases her with a new app on his iPhone. Then he calls the police, who show up lickety-split. They cuff the witch and gag her so she won’t curse anyone. The witch ends up getting life without parole. As for the kids, the boy goes on to open a high end hair salon and the girl becomes a performance artist. Sometimes she does impressions of the old crone.

Pocahontas

I know, it’s technically not a fairy tale. But I still reworked the Disney movie. In my version, the ship of English guys completely misses Virginia, drifting south until it lands on the coast of what’s now Florida. After setting up camp, John Smith marries the daughter of the local chief. In time, they have a son named Mel Gibson. Meanwhile, Pocahontas doesn’t marry Kocoum, the handsome warrior, but gets together with the daughter of the chief of a neighboring tribe. And they all live happily ever after.

Snow White

The wicked queen still sends the huntsman into the forest to kill Snow White. Instead of pointless violence, they sit down, have a sip of wine, and decide to elope, despite their considerable age difference. Afterwards, they take off on his noble steed never to be seen again. Meanwhile, the queen is still the fairest in the land, and the seven little guys carry on operating the biggest diamond mine in the kingdom. Little do they know that one of their precious stones will end up on Snow’s engagement ring.

Little Red Riding Hood

There’s a knock on grandma’s door. She looks out and spots the wolf. She opens the door and shoots the wolf. Then she goes back to her knitting , sipping a bourbon over ice. Red shows up presently and grandma pours her a double. Story over.

The Three Little Pigs

Despite the quick success of blowing down the first two piggie houses of sticks and straw, the wolf has an existential crisis while trying to blow down the third house built of stones. About to hyperventilate, he sits down on the front doorstep and tries to catch his breath. “What the hell am I doing, anyway?” he mutters to himself. The three little pigs poke their heads out of a window and taunt him. “Oh bugger off,” the wolf tells them. He finally gets to his feet and staggers away. Once home, he picks up a dog-eared copy of Siddhartha he first read back in his college days. He ends up reading it all night. In the morning, he packs a small valise and heads out the front door on a trip that will take him to the mystic east in pursuit of a life of non-violence and enlightenment. Meanwhile, two of the pigs rebuild. All three will go on to grow older, get fatter, and live happily ever. As for the wolf, he returns after a few years to start his own YouTube channel and do seminars on pursuing the hero’s journey. 

Pinocchio

In my version of the classic, the blue fairy takes one look at Pinocchio on the shelf only realize he’s as handsome as any real boy. She quickly waves her magic wand and brings him to life. They take off out the window for some distant exotic locale, but not before she leaves a note and a tidy sum of cash for Geppetto.

Cinderella

The best for last. After years of watching the evil step mother and stepsisters treat Cinderella like a slave, all the mice snap. Then Gus and the other tiny rodents saddle up Bruno, the dog, and ride to the village. There they track down a local attorney and fill him in on what’s going on at the manor. Remember, this is a fairy tale so the animals can talk. The lawyer agrees to take the case on. He immediately goes to the courthouse and gets a copy of the deed to the property. After a quick inspection, he shows up at Cinderella’s doorstep with a marshal in tow. The stepmother answers the door only to find that she and her two loser daughters are being evicted and she also owes a considerable sum to Cinderella for years of pain and suffering. Cinderella ends up marrying the attorney. They restore the estate to its former glory. The mice get their own mini-chateau on property. The stepmother and two stepsisters are banished to a distant country—and their evil cat too. And they all live happily ever after.

Fin