The Sven diagram
The above is not a Venn Diagram—one of those charts that shows how two or more unrelated things can overlap to create commonality. Like lawn gnomes, rottweilers, and playing the bagpipes. Instead, it’s a Sven Diagram, meaning it describes the brain of one Sven, the pool boy.
Sven first made an appearance in our lives around the time our son Patrick was two. Then, my wife Carla and I would look at the P-man’s bright blue eyes, shock of blonde hair, and say where did this kid come from? “It was Sven, the pool boy,” Carla would answer. Then we’d yuck it up and get back to marveling at how delightfully random Patrick was. Come to think of it, that’s never really changed. He’s still random. It’s just that he shaves now and needs to shower daily lest his natural microbiome stun livestock.
But let’s say there was a fictitious Sven, the pool boy. In which case the above diagram might describe his brain in detail. Remember, he’s a pool boy and definitely not Einstein. So he’s happy with his lot in life, and isn’t obsessed with getting ahead or climbing the corporate ladder. He just wants to put in a full day at the pool as a lifeguard, and then pursue the good life afterwards. Knowing that, let’s examine Sven’s diagram starting with feigned interest and moving clockwise.
Feigned interest: Sven has mastered the art of pretending to pay attention. The only thing that gives him away is his bright blue eyes wandering off now and again during conversation. That happens when whatever you say triggers a memory of one of Sven’s prime pursuits. Those being food, drink, girls, and sleep. But don’t be too hard on Sven if you catch his mind drifting. Think of it as a dinghy that somehow escaped the tie up at the dock.
Work laugh: Sven loves bad jokes and puns, and is prone to laugh long and hard at both—especially when he is the source. Sven also forgets that he told you a bad joke yesterday, or will tell the same lame joke multiple times and laugh every time despite your consternated expression.
A-wim-o-weh: Like my Patrick, it’s a well-known fact that Sven’s inner weltschmerz is populated by Disney, DreamWorks, and Pixar movies. He speaks fluent Disney, but also has a limited attention span. So he flits from movie-to-movie. And unless you know the complete Mouse oeuvre, it’s a challenge to keep up with him. Sven is also convinced he can sing and is given to belting out songs from Disney movies at random times. Favorites include the above Lion Sleeps Tonight from The Lion King, Let It Go from Frozen (sigh), and A Whole New World from Aladdin. In secret, Sven would like to be Jasmine instead of Aladdin.
Coffee: is one of Sven’s compulsions. Being born and raised in Stockholm, where the sun don’t shine for several months out of the year, Sven became a coffee-holic in grade school. It was either that or start drawing pictures of serial killers on the Swedish equivalent of Big Chief tablets. Although not full on Voltaire, who reportedly drank up to 50 cups a day, Sven can easily charge hard through an entire pot. The last place he worked had a Nespresso machine. They soon hid it after Sven kept blowing through the entire stash of espresso pods.
But Sven isn’t picky about quality when it comes to coffee. He’ll gladly make his way through a large styro cup of McDonald’s finest as well as a giganto cup of fancy pour-over made by a scrawny pale hipster wearing a woolen hoodie even though it’s August and 104 outside in the shade. One more thing about Sven’s coffee habit. Somehow, it doesn’t prevent him from sleeping. Once Sven’s blonde pate hits the pillow at night, it’s lights out. More on that presently.
Chocolate: another of Sven’s compulsions. Once again, quality doesn’t necessarily matter. He’ll gladly nibble on Belgian truffles if given the opportunity. He calls the fancy stuff “coo-coos,” by the way. Sven is just as happy to power through a bag of Hershey’s Kisses, which he calls “smoochies.” He’s also prone to combining the coffee and chocolate habits. Afterwards, he tells bad jokes really fast and sweats while he laughs at his own puns. No wonder people sometimes avoid him at parties.
Social media: Sven has lots of friends on Facebook. He posts variations of the same photos, which are views from the lifeguard stand, pool equipment, and selfies with his favorite beach towel. It’s always sunny in his photos, which makes sense given the sun lamps are always on in his brain. Otherwise, Sven watches puppy videos on YouTube. He even got the premium upgrade so as to not have ads interrupting clips of Dachshund puppies frolicking on the greensward. Beagle puppies are another favorite. Sven also has a strange fixation with videos of big snakes. He’s torn between getting a Dachshund puppy and a python. At least he’s smart enough to know he can’t have both.
Lottery: In keeping with Sven’s other quirks, he plays lotto on the regular. Mind you, there’s nary a hint of reckless gambling, just the one $3 ticket every Friday after work for Saturday night’s drawing. Like everyone else who plays regularly—and who’s statistically challenged, Sven is convinced he’ll win some day. And when he does, he’ll buy his own pool and hire other people to be the life guards. Truly, the stuff dreams are made of.
The tropics: given his occupation, is it really a surprise that Sven’s mind is in perma-tropics mode? Maybe it’s because his inner gestalt is always brightly lit, which may explain his cheery attitude, but innate dullness. Think about it. If all the lights are really bright, you can’t see much otherwise.
Persistence: at least that’s what Sven calls it. Everyone else thinks he’s stubborn, but not necessarily in an annoying way. More like a puppy that won’t take directions. It’s a Dachshund puppy, in case anyone’s asking.
Sleep: As previously mentioned, Sven sleeps like a champ. Within 30 seconds of his head hitting the pillow—or floor or wherever, it’s lights out. Funny thing is that Sven also has a remarkably effective internal alarm that goes off at 5:00 AM, regardless of the season. Then, like the Zulu warriors of old who could go from sound asleep to battle-ready within seconds, Sven arises like a hammered steer, stumbling around for the bathroom. A mad dash to the coffee maker quickly follows.
Cocktails: it’s a well-known fact that adulthood is all about balancing stimulants and depressants. Sven may not be aware of that maxim, but he personifies it. No surprise beer heads the adult menu. With each paycheck, he heads to Brew-Spew, a local specialty beer retailer. There he buys multiple six-packs of Scandinavian favorites, including Einstök from Iceland and Evil Twins from Denmark. Sadly, his hometown favorite, Närke Stormaktsporter, is rarely in stock. Beer aside, there are times when Sven goes out for cocktails with his buddies. Then he goes full on foo-foo, ordering Brandy Alexanders and White Russians, two of his mom’s favorite cocktails. Only to go home and make a pot of coffee and watch puppy videos on YouTube. Life doesn’t get any better.
*The image above is used with the kind permission of brilliant cartoonist, John Atkinson. Check out his work at https://wronghands1.com.
A captivating and hilarious journey through the world of wine and culinary experiences.
Such fun. Always a pleasure to read!
Thanks for this, Tim. Exactly what I needed this morning.