Bartender, please
A list of some of history's most important luminarios and the libations I'd serve them
Imagine you’ve suddenly been put on the spot to order adult beverages for some of the most important people in history, both recent and past. What to do? No doubt it would require cunning and good juju to match the right libation to the appropriate personage. With that, here’s a list of some of history’s most important luminarios and the drinks I’d bringem’.
Einstein: I’d meet Albert for Ramos Fizz’s at the Sazerac bar in the Hotel Roosevelt in New Orleans. Those delightful fizzies would get Albert thinking about how matter at its very essence can be a particle and a wave at the same time. With enough cocktails, he might be able to finally solve the dilemma.
Chaucer: instead of the traditional mead, a cup of clairet—the dark rosé from Bordeaux. I’d ask him if he actually knew the Wife of Bath. Biblically, of course.
Marilyn Monroe: Taittinger Comtes de Champagne Rosé, the sexiest, most ethereal rosé Champagne for the woman who was Aphrodite come to life. I’d serve her the bubbly in coupes and not flutes. I think Marilyn would approve.
St. Thomas Aquinas: I’d wrangle him by the collar just after he finished writing his epic tome “Confessions.” Then I’d sit him down and get him loopy on the sweet Cyprian wine called Commandria. Afterwards, I’d smack his whiny ass and tell him to get his shit together.
Frank Sinatra: Manhattans made with Jack Daniels. I know they’re usually made with bourbon. But this is Frank. And Frank always gets his way. You can talk about the music. But whatever you do, don’t ask questions about the family. Capiche?
Audrey Hepburn: as much Krug Grande Cuvée Champagne as she wants. What else would you drink with the princess of the silver screen?
John Lennon: shots of Highland Park 18-year-old Malt Whisky out of plastic cups on the cold heath. I wouldn’t let him bring Yoko. One too many and she’d start singing.
Dante Alighieri: serious quantities of Vin Santo. Tell him he’s got to move beyond getting exiled because of the Jets/Sharks thing (aka Guelfs and Ghibellines). Besides, they’re mad for his writing in Paris. He’s a star there. Time for him to make a move.
Cleopatra: not that gaggy palm wine, but a golden chalice of Falernian, the very finest Roman vino. I’d tell her to dump Marc Anthony and remind her not to leave a snake in her purse.
Mozart: Pol Roger Extra Dry Champagne. Wolfgang loved to drink slightly sweet bubbly late at night while composing at the piano. I’d get him to improvise some tunes but tell him to watch his ass around Salieri.
Homer (the other Homer): I’d pour the greatest epic poet ever Assyrtiko from Santorini, just to show him how good Greek wine can be without resin or seawater. After a few kylixes, I’d get him to recite bits from the Odyssey. But just the highlights, or we’d be there for days.
Bettie Page: Singapore Slings at the Raffles Bar in Singapore. On second thought, I’d also ask Bunny Yeager, her photographer, to join us. After a couple of rounds, they could go frolic at the beach.
Cary Grant: Martinis with Plymouth 80-proof, Chambery white vermouth, and Sacramento brand stuffed olives. I rarely drink Martinis. I’d make an exception for Cary.
Johann Sebastian Bach: What to drink with the greatest composer ever? An exceptional German beer like Weihenstephaner Hefe Weissbier. After a couple of liters, I’d drag him to the local cathedral and make him improvise on the huge pipe organ. After that, we’d head to a coffee house where I’d offer to be his agent so he could finally get a major gig and make some coin.
Helen Mirren: Rumor has it that her son-in-law, who owns several bars in New Orleans, created some chichi-ass cocktail and named it after her. Screw that. We’re drinking Gibsons made with Bombay Sapphire.
William Shatner: ’74 Heitz Martha’s Vineyard Cabernet Sauvignon. Bill loves Napa Cabernet, so we’d sip Martha’s together. After a while, I’d get him to sing “Lucy in the Sky With Diamonds,” then have him read the phone book like Captain Kirk. It would be epic.
Leonardo DaVinci: Essencia from the Royal Tokay Company; the purest, sweetest, and most long-lived dessert wine made. No doubt Leo would be wearing his usual pastel cloak. Salaí, his partner, would be with him so we’d need a lot of wine. That’s because Salaí drinks like a fish. I’d warn Leo not to use fresco on the Last Supper.
Lauren Bacall: Irish Coffees at the Buena Vista Café in San Francisco. They’d save two corner stools for us at the bar. They’d also let her smoke. I’d happily light her cigarettes.
Beethoven: Riesling from Rüdesheim in Germany’s Rheingau. Insiders say it was a case of that very wine delivered to Ludwig’s abode when he was on his deathbed that prompted the famous line “pity, pity, too late.”
Sean Connery: Ardbeg Uigeadail 15-year-old Malt Whisky. I know that James Bond drank vodka martinis, shaken and not stirred yada yada. But Sean had a thing for the strong peaty whiskies of Islay.
And finally…
Jesus: Any number of things could work. But in the end, only one would nail it: Mezcal. And not just any Mezcal, but Tobalá from Del Maguey. Jesus would like that. A stiff brew made from small thorny plants growing in volcanic earth at high altitude. We’d share a flask and sip shots out of small metal cups. I’d look him right in his holy eye, raise my cup, and say stigibeu, the traditional Mezcal toast. In Zapotec, it roughly translates as "to the lifeforce that is around us." Jesus would raise his cup and reply bakeen, which means “drink!” And we would--to the world.
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Tim. These were such fun!