A Partial List of Evil Dwarfs

The seven dwarfs of Snow White fame need no introduction. And yes, the plural of dwarf is dwarfs and not dwarves, as we find in the Tolkien books. Thanks to Walt Disney’s first animated masterpiece from 1937, these almost adorable waifs are known throughout the civilized world—or at least wherever Disney-Plus can be streamed. The actual story of Snow White is a German fairy tale first published in 1812 by the Brothers Grimm. Then it was called Sneewittchen and numbered as Tale 53. The Grimm version features well-known story elements including the magic mirror, poisoned apple, and glass coffin, as well as the evil queen and the seven dwarfs. But the dwarfs weren’t given first names until a 1912 Broadway play, and later given different names in Disney’s animated film.

Grumpy, Dopey, Doc, Happy, Bashful, Sneezy, and Sleepy. Yes, we know them all too well. Grumpy, who just wanted everyone to leave him the hell alone. Dopey, who had an obvious disability that no one hesitated to make fun of in the day. Doc, the smart guy of the bunch who actually read and followed the news on CNN, and Bashful, who just wanted to be invisible. Sneezy, who needed to have a CVS nearby, and Sleepy, who either needed to get a Nespresso machine home-delivered or change his meds. 

I will skip the obvious about seven short guys living with a 30s version of a beautiful young woman. It’s been done too many times in porn. Otherwise, I’ve always found the idea of other dwarfs curious. Some years ago I introduced the concept in teaching wine tasting. In that context, the so-called “evil dwarfs” were different grapes/wines easily confused by students. My premise is that if you have a tasting line up of white wines including Vouvray from Chenin Blanc, Alsace Pinot Gris, dry German Riesling, Albariño from Spain, and Grüner Veltliner from Austria, it can easily create mass confusion among Jedi Knights in training, so to speak. It takes a great deal of practice to be able to tell these wines apart. There’s also a group of red grapes/wines that fall into the category of evil Dwarfs. We’ll save them for another time.

If we can have them for wine, what other kinds of evil dwarfs can there be? I think the possibilities are nigh endless. Let’s explore a few of them, most found in everyday life.

Slimy: a wipe and a miss with facial tissue first thing in the morning.

Pokey: things felt from unseen sources while standing on a packed city bus. I’m thinking of the “Dreaded 28” in San Francisco here.

Crunchy: the horrible realization that your blind date is taking you to an evangelical church social.

Spikey: a heated political conversation in front of the extended family with your Uncle Shep, who is the very reincarnation of Atilla the Hun.

Wanky: the noise your jeans and sneakers make as they destroy the innards of your Aunt Bernina’s ancient Sears dryer.

Seedy: the surface of a Waffle House restroom floor in the wee hours of a weekend morning.

Jangly: seeing a large, pale, and hairy man wearing a black Speedo on your first visit to a beach in Europe.

Funky: smelling an old carton of milk or a packet of lunch meat that’s been in the fridge for an undetermined length of time.

Goaty: one’s first experience with poorly stored goat cheese. Or a first trip to a petting zoo with your kid.

Pissy: walking past a dog park on a hot summer day.

Janky: not to be confused with jangly. Janky appears in many guises—the drawer in your nightstand that got stuck last year and still won’t open. Or the alarming wiring job in the garage installed by the previous owner. 

Oogie: discovering an infant can quietly project bodily excretions up the back of their onesie, into their hair, and all over the sheets. Speaking from personal parental experience.

These are but a few of our favorite evil dwarfs. There are infinitely more. Be forewarned.